{I’m so tired, but there are books to read!}

(If I am writing another blog post within the same week as the other planned posts that were published, then this is a clear indication that I am internally panicking and need a healthy outlet for venting…)

Seems like my imposter syndrome has returned this week! I am starting to feel like a fraud… And this usually happens the day after I attend my class, every week. Why is that?

To flesh out my feelings: I recently attended an open house for my MA program, since I was invited by my program director. Assuming that others in my program would be present, I went. But I was the only one from my program to be given the chance to speak on my experience so far. (I forgot that it was a busy day for classes, so naturally other people in my program would be in class around that time…)

So I gave my spiel on my academic background, thesis project, and thoughts on the current semester. It felt nerve-wracking because I am not usually good at giving impromptu speeches, for fear of sounding too shallow or unintelligent (not sure where that stems from…). And that feeling was only reinforced by the questions from attendees who asked questions that I felt were too invasive. I looked to my program director for help, and she covered for me. Still, I had this stinging feeling of discomfort that I tried to embalm with humor, before I was excused to leave for my upcoming class.

And during my class session, I felt left out of the discussion because I did not finish reading the book of the week. It is no one’s fault but my own, because I easily distract myself with other things, but I actually enjoyed reading as far as I did with the assigned reading (I actually want to get my own copy!). But I tried to add my thoughts into the conversation, but… was shut down by someone else. I cannot disclose too many details (there may be certain folks reading this blog without my knowledge, but I need to acknowledge my feelings and express my discomforts in this space because I claim this corner of the Internet as my domain). I just very much dislike how discussions can delineate from the topic at hand, which is distracting and adds nothing to the subject.

Recollecting recent events, my feelings of fraudulence may stem from the fact that I am considerably younger than most of my cohorts, which also means that I lack considerable life experience and mental fortitude to formulate my own opinions without needing the validation and approval of others. I believe that there are more layers to this, but I am too tired to further psychoanalyze these matters.

My feelings of fraudulence are steeping into other projects I am working on independently. Notably, {getLITfilam}, which I dearly hold close to me as part of my journey as a writer and scholar or Filipino-descent who desperately needed validation of Filipinos pursuing other fields and flourishing in their own way. But I look at all the books in my collection, as well as new stuff coming out, and I get that devilish thought that tells me that I know nothing about literature… not even enough to focus on Filipino-centric narratives. Do I even know Filipino culture? Am I exploiting myself? WHAT EVEN IS GOING ON?!

*heavy sigh*

But in the chances I get to sit down and read without abrupt disturbances, I feel content. I do not feel pressured to amplify my intellect or hurry to the end of the chapter. I am holding conversations with the author of the text, reacting and reflecting on what they are saying in written form. This is where I am at element. And that is where I remember what made me pursue taking literature and writing seriously.

I am also quite hungry, at this point of writing this post. It would be pleasant to drive to a quaint coffee shop to have lunch and continue reading my book(s)~

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