I’m not okay

I cannot tell you much of what I did in the past month. Because every day was almost the same: escaping into a simulation game while remembering to eat, hydrate, and take care of myself in real life. The only times I was not playing The Sims 4 was when I had to do laundry and run errands for the household. But so far, it feels like I am accepting this new lifestyle that is similar to previous years when I wasn’t “actively participating in society”, that is — and this may sound offensive to some who have been identified as this — becoming a shut-in.

Given that there is still a pandemic going on here in the U.S., staying home as much as possible is a safety precaution. But I began to think that, if the pandemic ceased to exist indefinitely, I do not see myself “returning to regular life” because I do not know what that even looks like. Mainly because, in the past few years, I had different “normals” that others would deem chaotic, but those were caused by unforeseen circumstances. (I don’t want to repeat myself here, in this blog post, but I have talked about it in previous blog posts that are still available to read for context.)

I almost do not see the point in socializing with people I used to be able to talk to, both online and in real life, because connections tend to waver depending on how much effort both parties are willing to put in. Oddly enough, that is something that I have realized from playing Sims4: as much as I try to have certain Sims converse with each other and try to build better relationships, it is difficult because of 1) the limitations on different kinds of activities and topics available in the game to have Sims bond with each other, and 2) even if I am able to raise their relationship bars to full green, those bars will slowly lower overtime, if I am not playing certain households for long periods of time — forcing me to start over again when I eventually decide to reactivate those households. This seems too close to real life.

Most notably in the past month, I went into reading and writing slumps. I just could not bring myself to find the motivation and enthusiasm to do those things like I used to. There are no excuses I can give, just that I don’t want to do them. What for, if I cannot imagine what the future will hold for me…? I have a sense of hopelessly, in the spare moments of logging off the computer and being afraid to confront the thoughts that come up as my mind strays away from virtual worlds…

I feel like there is no one I can really talk to about stuff that has been eating away at my soul over the course of the months I’ve been socially isolated. But really, I just don’t want to talk about those bothersome things because I don’t want to realize that I am less than the person I had hoped to become… Quite possibly, I lost a friendship that I thought meant something, as well as a few other connections that I wanted to believe were going to lead to the betterment of the communities I am (was) a part of. Moreso, I just gave up trying to participate…

This definitely makes me a bad person. I know it does. But what more can I do, from the confines of my living space and of my personal capital that barely keeps anything afloat? I am barely keeping it together, which is why I am holding onto a computer game like The Sims 4 as a clutch. At least, in that imaginary world where I have control (most of the time), I can create storylines to keep myself amused/entertained and construct buildings for Sims to live in or gather for socialization. It has replaced my sense of reality, at this point…

Well, this blog is being treated more as my monthly updates, since I only post once or twice a month. Maybe this feeling will change, in the next few weeks or by October. We will see…

{revisiting ‘the lonely Filipino kid’}

My previous concept of the LFK came from this post.

In the last four years of coalescing in Filipinx spaces (i.e., Filipinos based in the U.S.), I had formed a sense of identity that I felt could be shared with others. I had thought that I was finally getting the sense of belonging that I had yearned for in my adolescence. It seemed like things were going the way I had hoped for, in my young adult years.

But in the time of covid and the resurgence of social justice movements (by way of Black Lives Matter), the paradigms of Filipinx discourse shifted that made me question so much of what I thought was “the right way” of doing things… and thus, I return back to my idea of the LFK.

Continue reading {revisiting ‘the lonely Filipino kid’}

{July is the cruelest month… maybe not this year}

This has never been my favorite month of the year. This aversion to July was most prevalent in the last 8 years, for reasons I explained in previous blog entries around this time. Just two more days to go of this godforsaken month. But this year’s July is different from others, yet it remains consistently my least favorite month of the year.

Continue reading {July is the cruelest month… maybe not this year}